Carissa Sammy

Stop?

I don’t know the answer to that question. Since I’ve been back, I’ve been keeping myself busy in the midst of all the working and exercising(it’s true!) and living. If you’re in my pool of friends whom I update my life with, then you’ll know that I’m in the midst of waiting for something big and having that small little faith doesn’t help much. Still, it is faith after all. It isn’t easy waking up each day wondering what if and waiting for that email to come so that you know that it will be alright. Sometimes I feel like my heart may just stop beating from worrying too much. It scares me to bit that everytime I think about it my innards feel all weird and I feel like I cannot; not anymore. And yet, each day I make it a little more. A little more that teaches me that I can. And so I go on.

Sometimes I wanna run. I put on a mask so that no one will ever know how bad it hurts. Not because I don’t want people to ever find out, but because I don’t know how to explain if anyone ask. Sometimes I cry so much until the tears run dry and my face feels all wrinkly and then I laugh because silly me. Why did I get into all the emotional roller coaster when I could just simply walk away? Now you see, walking away is the simple part. Not walking away however, it takes great effort. Imma make that big effort because I know it’s going to be worth it.

Every other day I meet a new friend. Someone who are so willing to share their life with me despite the fact that I may not be the perfect candidate to throw their heart’s treasure. I feel honoured. And then there are those days when you love so much you try to protect your friends and help them not be broken but you get pushed aside; oblivious to existence. And then you wonder why. And then you get all frozen inside and you feel like you don’t care but that, well that are all lies. Lies you feed yourself because you cannot deal being not wanted. I cannot deal feeling unwanted. Not after investing so so much. Oh not forgetting those who come to you because they need something out of you. You give, over and over again, you give. And then you ask yourself; what’s next?

And that is what I tell myself every brand new day.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow is a brand new day and I am living.

Tomorrow is a brand new day and I’m not going to stop loving.

Tomorrow is a different day.

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P/s I have to rant a little bit. It’s been a while since I’ve updated but I’m thankful for all you who keep coming back. Blessings for you.

What with all the many dramas happening in life and the crazy amount of gigantic waves, my sister came at a perfect timing and we went to Sheraton Hotel for a break away from everyone and everything that wasn’t positive! Teehee!

During the stay in Sheraton, as if by God’s perfect timing, I met Nick Vujicic who were in Malaysia at the same time to give this motivational talk. We were by the pool(and I can’t get into the pool cos of stuffs) and so I was sun bathing(lies.i don’t do sunbathing what with being so dark already! -_-!!) and lying peacefully on the chair/bed when he came and spoke to us.

At first I was just so impressed because he was walking and trying the pool water(with what he calls his drumstick! ) and thereafter went for a swim! And all that without limbs okay!

Then when he spoke to me I was pretty much so impressed I was kinda speechless. I maybe oklah fine, was stammering a little bit cos so nervous! And I kinda remembered him from watching youtube somewhere long time ago. And so fail cos I told him that! -_-!! He was so humble to come and speak so nicely and I think he knew I was kinda shy! Haahaa! It’s true okay! So shy! But he was just so kind and we took photos with him!

Okay, maybe some of you don’t know who he is but here’s a video you must watch of his life testimony.

Anyway, after that I went to google about him somemore to refresh my memory of him and it was so amazing that I literally cried watching some of his videos. His motto? Attitude is Altitude! So inspiring and totally what I needed to hear at this point of my life!

I believe that God places the perfect people in your midst so you can understand life better. It’s like a little reminder of Him watching over us. I am so glad! Who would have thought that I would stumble upon this great disciple of Christ just when I needed an escape from life? Well, God did.

Do you trust in me? I would say yes God, I do. I think after that, Imma just have faith and trust with my whole heart.

Never give up. Not even if you’ve fallen a thousand and one times. I’m holding on to that. It’s carved deeply in my heart.

Isaiah 40:31 (New International Version)

³¹ but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

because even as life is so uncertain, at least I have my family who always have my back! Who supports me and loves me for all that I am.

because I have real friends who noticed that I am not okay, choose to take some time off their schedule just to talk to me and speak so much words of encouragement.

because there are still testimony out there about life changes which inspire me so much I am speechless.

because when some doors closes, the other; open.

because I have Him and I know that He has a great plan for me.

I am thankful.

Chae is coming today! Tonight! I cannot wait! Is love!

Blessed day to you. And if you ever feel sad or broken, I am here. Always.

Dear life,

Would you please so kindly give me a break so that I’ll have some room to breathe? Why can’t you just let me be so that I can just move on and start living properly? Don’t you know that I cannot handle things when it’s not stable or according to plans? I mean seriously, if you wanna mess with me, why won’t you do it once in a while, instead of every other day? Have you not seen that I’m as confused as Rattatouille and do not know what to do now? Decisions have to be made. Can you at least give me some relevant options so that I don’t have to crack my freaking head? Just show me what’s next for me. A little hint would be nice enough. I’m not asking for much, just a smooth road ahead once the decision is made. Is that possible for you to fulfill? I’ve worked my heart out. Please please just let me reap what I’ve sowed. I’m pretty sure it’s the best I’ve given. Wait, I am very certain it’s my very best. So would you consider giving me a break? I’m begging.

Seriously,

YingYing

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Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

Dear God,

I’m trying my very best to have faith. Please give me some hint as to what Your will is. I want to honour you in what I choose to do. Please grant some favours upon my life and blessings so that Your will can be done. Give me the strength to hold on to that little faith of mine. I am trying. I really am. Help me.

With love,

YingYing

sometimes leave me flabbergasted because it’s so surreal! There would be dreams that would leave me feeling so very very happy and plaster a smile on my face for possibly the whole entire week but there would also be dreams that would leave me breathless and sad; especially the ones that I woke up crying still. And there goes my whole day because I am nothing but exhausted and feeling rather low because it all felt too real!

Sometimes I wonder how I can be happier in my dreams than in reality. I mean, one of my happiest day of my life was in the dream I had. How can it be right? Okay in that dream I was married and was pregnant! So happy can?! and my husband loved me so so much lor. I can feel it even when I woke up. The love I mean! -_-!! It’s funny how dreams are formed and such. How some people have it and some just don’t. I am fairly interested with dreams and how we humans can get them. Some say it’s in our head and we think about it so much we dream about it too. But I didn’t think about marrying an older man who’s married before okay! Like that’s the man I got married to and is pregnant with! omg can?! So yeah, intrigue much?

Perhaps I will dream about football now cos keep thinking about it. Or you know, exams result. Sigh! Or moving to a new place. Or Cameron cause I’m going tomorrow! Hohoho!

I am so lazy to upload pics into my facebook cos the internet line is so slow like tortoise and I don’t like waiting so so long.

I am excited to go Cameron! Cos I think the last time I went there was kazillion years ago and I wana smell the fresh air and eat strawberry ice cream and sip tea like some English people and hang out with people you just love.

Update when I get back! In the mean time, support Portugal! Or else England also can lah. Heehee!

XOXO!