Carissa Sammy

Stop?

I don’t know the answer to that question. Since I’ve been back, I’ve been keeping myself busy in the midst of all the working and exercising(it’s true!) and living. If you’re in my pool of friends whom I update my life with, then you’ll know that I’m in the midst of waiting for something big and having that small little faith doesn’t help much. Still, it is faith after all. It isn’t easy waking up each day wondering what if and waiting for that email to come so that you know that it will be alright. Sometimes I feel like my heart may just stop beating from worrying too much. It scares me to bit that everytime I think about it my innards feel all weird and I feel like I cannot; not anymore. And yet, each day I make it a little more. A little more that teaches me that I can. And so I go on.

Sometimes I wanna run. I put on a mask so that no one will ever know how bad it hurts. Not because I don’t want people to ever find out, but because I don’t know how to explain if anyone ask. Sometimes I cry so much until the tears run dry and my face feels all wrinkly and then I laugh because silly me. Why did I get into all the emotional roller coaster when I could just simply walk away? Now you see, walking away is the simple part. Not walking away however, it takes great effort. Imma make that big effort because I know it’s going to be worth it.

Every other day I meet a new friend. Someone who are so willing to share their life with me despite the fact that I may not be the perfect candidate to throw their heart’s treasure. I feel honoured. And then there are those days when you love so much you try to protect your friends and help them not be broken but you get pushed aside; oblivious to existence. And then you wonder why. And then you get all frozen inside and you feel like you don’t care but that, well that are all lies. Lies you feed yourself because you cannot deal being not wanted. I cannot deal feeling unwanted. Not after investing so so much. Oh not forgetting those who come to you because they need something out of you. You give, over and over again, you give. And then you ask yourself; what’s next?

And that is what I tell myself every brand new day.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow is a brand new day and I am living.

Tomorrow is a brand new day and I’m not going to stop loving.

Tomorrow is a different day.

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P/s I have to rant a little bit. It’s been a while since I’ve updated but I’m thankful for all you who keep coming back. Blessings for you.

sometimes leave me flabbergasted because it’s so surreal! There would be dreams that would leave me feeling so very very happy and plaster a smile on my face for possibly the whole entire week but there would also be dreams that would leave me breathless and sad; especially the ones that I woke up crying still. And there goes my whole day because I am nothing but exhausted and feeling rather low because it all felt too real!

Sometimes I wonder how I can be happier in my dreams than in reality. I mean, one of my happiest day of my life was in the dream I had. How can it be right? Okay in that dream I was married and was pregnant! So happy can?! and my husband loved me so so much lor. I can feel it even when I woke up. The love I mean! -_-!! It’s funny how dreams are formed and such. How some people have it and some just don’t. I am fairly interested with dreams and how we humans can get them. Some say it’s in our head and we think about it so much we dream about it too. But I didn’t think about marrying an older man who’s married before okay! Like that’s the man I got married to and is pregnant with! omg can?! So yeah, intrigue much?

Perhaps I will dream about football now cos keep thinking about it. Or you know, exams result. Sigh! Or moving to a new place. Or Cameron cause I’m going tomorrow! Hohoho!

I am so lazy to upload pics into my facebook cos the internet line is so slow like tortoise and I don’t like waiting so so long.

I am excited to go Cameron! Cos I think the last time I went there was kazillion years ago and I wana smell the fresh air and eat strawberry ice cream and sip tea like some English people and hang out with people you just love.

Update when I get back! In the mean time, support Portugal! Or else England also can lah. Heehee!

XOXO!

Have you ever felt so confused you don’t know who’s telling the truth and who’s not? And the more you think about it, the more confused you become?

Oh I have. And it’s not a very good feeling at all.

I wish the truth would come out now now now!

How now brown cow?

John 16:13“But when He, the Spirit of truth, comes, He will guide you into all the truth; for He will not speak on His own initiative, but whatever He hears, He will speak; and He will disclose to you what is to come.”

Oh well, let’s study study study to keep yourself busy busy busy and know that time will eventually set truth free!